美國大學(xué)夏校申請文書專家指導(dǎo)攻略（一）
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原創(chuàng)來源：國際升學(xué)指導(dǎo)專家鄧寧、中國教育在線國際教育頻道主編趙剛【編者按】通過十幾年從事國際升學(xué)指導(dǎo)的實踐積累，作者從數(shù)以千計的文書案例中摸索共性規(guī)律，找出中國學(xué)生在美國大學(xué)夏校或科研項目文書寫作方面存在的核心問題，并詳細(xì)記錄與學(xué)生的溝通過程、對文案的修改過程，為國際升學(xué)指導(dǎo)教師和夏校申請學(xué)生提供深入淺出的案例分析和文書展示。高質(zhì)量文書寫作需要從以下四個方面著手：對于文書題目的理解、對于適合文書的素材篩選、對于文書寫作的內(nèi)容定位與思想定位、對于文書寫作語言風(fēng)格與結(jié)構(gòu)的設(shè)計。以下是攻略的第一部分，重點介紹“對于文書題目的理解”。國際升學(xué)指導(dǎo)專家鄧寧（左）與中國教育在線國際教育頻道主編趙剛美國大學(xué)夏校或科研項目的申請文書看似不過是幾篇應(yīng)答式的英文簡述或小論文，但在大多數(shù)情況下，這類小論文（essay）在申請過程中往往起到舉足輕重的作用。美國大學(xué)錄取是“綜合評估”（holistic review），大學(xué)不僅看學(xué)生的成績，更重要的是選擇一個適合學(xué)校的人。學(xué)生需要向大學(xué)展示“我是誰”（who am I）。申請文書是自我推介（self-advocacy）的重要組成部分，也是美國大學(xué)了解學(xué)生個性特征，學(xué)術(shù)潛力，興趣與動機(jī)，能力和格局的第一步。文書寫作對于中國學(xué)生有以下挑戰(zhàn)：更習(xí)慣以第三人稱被動的高中學(xué)術(shù)寫作方式，而不習(xí)慣以第一人稱“我”的方式寫作，不習(xí)慣提供延展的思考觀點，不習(xí)慣深度反思的寫作，不習(xí)慣回答開放式的問題（沒有正確答案的問題），缺乏清晰、簡潔、有效表達(dá)鮮活經(jīng)歷的能力，缺乏對美國文化價值觀的全面理解。應(yīng)對上述挑戰(zhàn)，學(xué)生在文書寫作時，首先要對自己的經(jīng)歷進(jìn)行梳理、拆解，找出人物故事脈絡(luò)。在此基礎(chǔ)上，高質(zhì)量文書寫作需要從以下四個方面著手：對于文書題目的理解、對于適合文書的素材篩選、對于文書寫作的內(nèi)容定位與思想定位、對于文書寫作語言風(fēng)格與結(jié)構(gòu)的設(shè)計。本文以某公立學(xué)校國際部同學(xué)的美國夏校申請文書為例，對上述寫作特點進(jìn)行深入分析。一、對于文書題目的理解（一）鎖定、分析題目關(guān)鍵詞。在以Pioneer Academics[1]夏校的如下題目為例，有哪些關(guān)鍵詞呢？Please share up to 3 extracurricular activities in which you have participated that you feel are important for us to consider with your application, and describe why they are meaningful to you.關(guān)鍵詞1：Extracurricular activities“課外活動”限定了簡述涉及的活動范圍，與“課內(nèi)活動”、“課上內(nèi)容”相區(qū)別。關(guān)鍵詞2：Important for us to consider with your application“對于校方審核夏校（或科研項目）申請很重要”——這一提示將上文“課外活動”又做了進(jìn)一步限定，意味著“課外活動”體現(xiàn)符合參與夏校（或科研項目）所需能力。這樣還需要延伸閱讀Pioneer Academics在官方微信公眾號上介紹的申請攻略中有關(guān)“錄取審核要素”：學(xué)術(shù)興趣、學(xué)術(shù)綜合能力、寫作能力、成熟度、溝通能力、學(xué)術(shù)配置情況。也就是說，題目中規(guī)定的3篇簡述可以分別對應(yīng)某一個“錄取審核要素”。關(guān)鍵詞3：Why they are meaningful to you“為什么這些課外活動對申請者有意義”——這個關(guān)鍵詞圍繞課外活動對申請者產(chǎn)生的價值，包括活動對申請者的積極影響和改變，及申請做這個活動帶給其他人的價值。關(guān)鍵詞4：字?jǐn)?shù)上限申請文書體例要求從75字到750字（英文字?jǐn)?shù)）不等，不論字?jǐn)?shù)多少，作為申請者，都要盡最大努力做到緊扣主題、“字字珠璣”。不能超過字?jǐn)?shù)上限，否則在線申請的應(yīng)答框無法顯示超出的英文文字和標(biāo)點。對300字以下的短文，從經(jīng)驗看，爭取寫到規(guī)定字?jǐn)?shù)的上限，才能充分達(dá)意。Pioneer Academics的這篇短文要求75字，需要盡量寫到上限體量。結(jié)合上述審題要點，看看下面這個申請者簡述中的問題。(1)Elite program selects about 350 best students around China and offers them one year to conduct research with best Chinese professors. (2)In the year, I've analyzed dozens of papers, overturned, and rewritten my experiments countless times and eventually helped refine the theory of ultraviolet-induced high GC content published on Science in 1970. (3)I became the top 15 students in China and represented Chinese students give speech with world top Physicists and mathematicians.第1句僅僅是在描述項目，與主題關(guān)聯(lián)度低，需要刪除或與其他文字合并。第2、3句話分別說明參加課外活動時做了哪些具體工作、從中得到了什么，與主題和關(guān)鍵詞相關(guān)，但是對能力優(yōu)勢表現(xiàn)得不夠突出。簡述需要從不同角度證明申請人有能力完成夏校項目，而且過去的所有經(jīng)歷都是在突顯申請人自己，而不是突出項目的重要性。根據(jù)上述對題目和關(guān)鍵詞的深入理解與延伸分析，特別是“從自我語境出發(fā)”的落腳點，75字簡述中需要體現(xiàn)：1）申請人自身優(yōu)勢；2）申請人曾經(jīng)的科研活動的意義；3）申請人曾經(jīng)的科研活動對未來個人發(fā)展的影響。下文是學(xué)生重新修改后的文字：(1) With guidance of a PhD supervisor in The Elite Program in China, I took an initiative to refine the theory of ultraviolet-induced high GC content published onSciencein 1970. (2)During the year-long research, I applied Python to programming, analyzed piles of data from the NCBI, and testified the experimental results with the use of evolutionary theories. (3)My relentless efforts were paid off, when I was nominated top 15 out 350 senior high schoolers nationwide.從中可以看出第1句以一個狀語形式（With guidance of a PhD supervisor in The Elite Program in China）將項目與學(xué)生的科研成果結(jié)合起來。I took an initiative to的使用，突出了學(xué)生主動性，增強(qiáng)表述的力度。第2句連續(xù)使用applied、analyzed、testified三個動詞強(qiáng)化學(xué)生在之前的科研項目中的科學(xué)態(tài)度、研究方法。第3句與原文相似，說明獲獎情況，但句子表達(dá)更為明確、有力，對獲獎情況用數(shù)字對比描寫更突出取得優(yōu)秀結(jié)果的高度選拔性。（二）審題后決定行文風(fēng)格。哈佛大學(xué)夏校（Harvard Summer School）的申請文書中有這樣一題：If you had a free weekend during the academic year, how would you spend it and why?題目看似與申請夏校或科研項目無關(guān)，有別于常規(guī)式的與科研項目有關(guān)的“閉環(huán)式”簡述、小論文，更像是要求學(xué)生自己隨意發(fā)揮的“故事會”。其實，這正是美國大學(xué)“以人為核心”的理念，故意設(shè)置一個輕松、開放式的場景——free weekend（自由支配的周末），引導(dǎo)學(xué)生自由發(fā)揮，回答how和why的問題，敘述如何過周末、為什么這樣過，突出學(xué)生個性和人格力量，終極目標(biāo)是回答大學(xué)最關(guān)心的“我是誰”（Who am I）這個核心。下文是學(xué)生的初稿：During my busy academic year, it will be a great relief for me to shoot a short film based on my short novel, if I have a free weekend. In my spare time, I wrote and published my first short storyxxxonxx, a global magazine in English, in November 2023. The story discussed a dramatic relationship between dystopia and tragic fate of dreamers. I was more than pleased to share my thinking with international readers. However, I soon came to realize that novel-writing seemed less efficient in dissemination and communication than movies. Amazingly the movie language could be more acceptable in reflecting what a novel was supposed to demonstrate. I had filming experience before when I led a team to make a short movie namedDepressionduring a neuroscience-oriented program. The film we made was surprisingly top-rated, which summarized what the team had learned so far in neuroscience, including the origin of depression, the symptoms of the disease, and treatment to cure it. Assumably in the free weekend, I would follow suit to team up again for the sake of the novel-based short film. Apparently, I will take the lead to develop script, while others are responsible for designing story board and placing camera. Movie-making skills are not only helpful to spread my short story, but also essential for my future career. As a member of the Chinese Psychiatrist Association (CPA), I raise the profile of neuroscience and psychology to the public along with the team. I have tried webinars, posters, and newsletters to attract attention of audience. In comparison, movies seem more popular and could be optional in profile-raising of neuroscience and psychology.針對學(xué)生的文書，在進(jìn)一步的指導(dǎo)中做如下梳理和點評：周末將自己寫的小說拍電影，應(yīng)該是極具想象空間和個性化的行文風(fēng)格，而學(xué)生的初稿更像是“加強(qiáng)版的事件列表”，而且事件陳述邏輯跳脫，學(xué)生極力想展示自己的活動經(jīng)歷，寫小說、拍抑郁癥的影片，由此證明自己對拍電影有興趣，并具備相關(guān)技能，且認(rèn)可拍電影是自己開展心理相關(guān)活動的有效工具。顯然這些事不是在一個free weekend可以做完的，學(xué)生偏離了題目設(shè)定“free weekend”這個特定場景的特點。換言之，事件羅列中看不到人的個性與力量。讀者僅看到學(xué)生做了什么，看不到為什么做（why）、怎么做（how）背后的邏輯和個人特質(zhì)。這篇文書需要學(xué)生“藝術(shù)”地展示人文側(cè)面，而不是“科學(xué)”的工具側(cè)面。哈佛夏校以及很多美國大學(xué)夏校都非常重視人的獨(dú)特性和個性成長，它們不需要千篇一律的“典型”學(xué)子，而是“非典型”、極具特色的個體。因此文書的修改從學(xué)生拍電影的動機(jī)入手，拍電影成為學(xué)生理解世界、社會多面性的工具，特別是針對自己的性格特征，解讀“為什么拍電影是自己與人溝通的最好一種方式”。經(jīng)過兩次修改后，學(xué)生的完稿有了明顯的進(jìn)步和特色：“Action. Cut. Michael, once again you need to be aware that your lines are what you are speaking to yourself. You need to respond as if you are interacting with others.” The sharp voice out of the walkie-talkie echoed in a movie studio. “Points taken, David. Let me rehearse one more time, will you?” Michael begged the director with an awkward smile on his face. “Sure. Take your time.” I was leading a team to shoot a film in a free weekend. Film shooting seemed as busy as most part of my academic year. But it was quite a thrill to make a short movie based on my own short novel. I believe in science, especially neuroscience. Unfortunately, however, science is not everything. The beauty of art is what science may not have achieved yet, as Steve Jobs considered calligraphy to be artistically subtle in a way that science cannot capture. In fact, every academic area is a combination of science and art. In my spare time, I wrote and published my first short story in Englishxxxonxx. It discusses a dystopia of human life, which is full of daydreams and absurdities. It is no easy to find beauty. It is even more difficult to make beauty. But the beauty I have found and made lies in Don Quixote-style bravery, a hopeless optimism of human beings. I attribute the finding and making to my personality. As an introvert, I have spent most of my time looking attentively at the world around me. My quietness has not prevented me from capturing beauties with sharp eyes, even in the seemingly dullness. This time I plan to make beauty with a camera. “Action.” I ordered again. Looking desperate, Michael looked straight into my eyes, and said, “Yeah, no birds. But I saw one. Not only one, they flew across the sky now and then.” I thumbed up to Michael. How to tell a story seems far beyond science. But rather it depends on how much we understand human nature, which is as important as science.修改后的文書圍繞周末拍攝小電影展開，描述的拍攝過程鏡頭感、現(xiàn)場感很強(qiáng)，讓讀者身臨其境。特別突出了學(xué)生對“科學(xué)與藝術(shù)相結(jié)合”的認(rèn)識，突出了學(xué)生在科學(xué)之外追求美的勇氣和執(zhí)著。全篇落腳在“對人性的理解與對科學(xué)的理解同等重要”，在主題上是點睛之筆。（未完待續(xù)）[1]注釋：Pioneer Academics（先鋒學(xué)術(shù)）是全球唯一具備頒發(fā)頂尖大學(xué)學(xué)分資質(zhì)的高中生在線研究項目。
